My Ears Are Open

Its is something so subtle that it goes unnoticed. Sometimes you can feel it like jerk from an earthquake, but most of the time the alterations in your personality are so discrete, you don't realize it until you see the past again. When I heard the voices from the past sing to me, I was appalled. My present me would have taken the me then aside and said this, "dude, change your direction now, or you are going to spin out." I would have probably been ignorant to that advice and continued to trudge on in a winless fight. Now I see what a mistake I have made years later.

This feeling is almost of being indifferent, and the fact that it is in the past, I couldn't be happier. I wish I could reclaim those three years of my life wasted, and transplant myself now into my old self shoes. Strangely, a lot of beliefs I had then did transfer over, although not you might think. When you are in a wanna be 80's band, and you can put any of your true feelings in it, you should have walked then. Only one song ever had like... correction, two songs had a "true" feeling in it. Now that I have been released from those chains almost a year I am able to voice what I want to, and say what I want to. No more restrictions, no more being tied to a lie.

It feels good.

The only we learn is from making mistakes along the road that we are taking. It is almost instinctual for us to do it that way. This statement I have made about a million times, "those who don't learn from their mistakes, are doomed to repeat them," I advise everyone to look at their flaws before saying, "this is what they want." Our flaws make us perfect. To be imperfect is what makes the human so perfect. There is no other way, and it is what is so intriguing.

Now here is what I will say for those that have read, and will read this will probably be the most reassuring part I have written in a while.

It is okay to be insecure, and scared about being out done by someone. It happens, there is always someone better than you out there. To say that you are the best is a lie. I mean it is so rare to find someone who would be called the best. There are exceptions, but so rare, so rare. I being a singer, artist, and writer know there is always someone that is better than me. I try not to worry about it, and just try to give it my all, and hope that what I leave on the table people will like, and if they don't accept what I give, their loss, not mine. This problem is one that so many have. We are never sure of ourselves, and it is what tends to hold us back. If we just give in to the notion that someone is better, instead of making it a competition we can relax, and get better at what we are trying to do.

Then I know there are the unmotivated. For you, find something you are passionate in, or something that erks you. For me I have politics, and on many occasions I will speak out about what is going on in the globe. I could speak about what is going on in Missouri, and Oklahoma, but I do not know enough about the situation to feel a true empathetic feeling for them. I feel bad, but I do not feel as bad as if I was effected by it. As to are most Americans, the "it doesn't hurt me so why care." I hope the people get help, I do, but I can't do anything. Those sitting around and wasting their life, why? Life is something so precious, and so short live it.

On that subject, a sudden moment of reality I had last night.

I asked a while ago, why do I keep visualizing myself dying in any situation that I get myself into. Whether it is a car accident, or a freak of nature, I always picture myself dying. Someone responded to me and said that I am probably really depressed, and need help. That is not the case. I am not a suicidal person, and would never want to do it. Now I know some of you are waiting for me to admit to that after reading the first part, not the case. I saw what someone said on a thread where some was admitting they wanted to kill themselves. Here is a paraphraised version of what they said, "you only get once chance at life, and if you want to kill your self you aren't living or doing enough." Then it dawned on me, these thoughts are of fear, not of depression. I am an ambitious individual, and there is so much out there that I want to do, and I have not had the chance to step up to the plate and take a swing. I am just scared of missing out. That is what my death visions are coming from. In other words, I want to live, and I don't want to miss a beat. Makes sense right? Weird, I know, but it is logical.

Anyways, that I believe is my ramblings for now. I will have more as the summer progresses. There will be a lot of down time. I think I will have a lot to say. Stay tuned...