I guess I have done a good job in really getting people to forget that this thing is still even here. I haven't posted in it for a long time, and haven't really consistently for well over a year. I thought it just became against the point to even post, to really say anything. I mean if you are actually reading this, you are just stalking my life, and there is no need for you to. I just need some place to vent, some place to go. Things have been kind of crummy lately, and I just need someone, or something to talk to.
Lets see... Where to start.
I could start off with the fact that I am really unhappy with my life at the moment, that I feel as if I am wasting time, just treading water and not really swimming. It has been four years of pure shit at the college level, and they say it is the best time of you life, bullshit! It doesn't help that I missed basically a year of school because I was sick, and then was delayed even more by shitty advising at all levels. Someone who is 22 should not feel this far back. According to records I am two years behind. One semester was missed because I was sick and fell behind in all of my classes, and another was lost because of money issues and basically was forgotten. So right there is one year, and of course first semester in college I was totally clueless about what to do, and not told that the placement test that I had taken could be retaken. This all happened within the last two years.
Now I watch kids talk about how they are about to graduate, and get on with their lives. I'm stuck. In school. For who the fuck knows how many years. I don't want to do it any more. Some people get a chance to take a break after high school, and think about what they want to do. I have never been given that chance. I have just been told to keep going until I find something, never get to catch my breath. Well guess what, that stamina is starting to run slow. I'm not even sure what I like...
I thought I liked what I was doing until the end of Feb. Things were going well, for the most part. Then I got into a huge shit storm of an argument with my father, who is on the opposite end of the political spectrum with me, and guess what. I'm a poly-sci major. That isn't meshing well. After I got into this altercation with him I have found my self in this apathetic funk. I just don't want to do it. He said he would begrudgingly support me basically with what I do after the fight, but I know he doesn't want me doing it. My family is kind of fractured right now. No one seems to realize it, or we are trying to ignore it. Things just aren't right.
I want to run, I want to hide so far away from all of these things. It is nuts. It is dragging me down. I'm pretty sure I am in some sort of state of depression, and nothing is really making me too happy. It doesn't help that I live alone in Flagstaff, and even when I did have roommates, they sucked. I don't know anyone, and the few I have met have just been more of a work sort of relationship.
There are only a few places that I feel comfortable anymore. I normally feel at home playing music, practicing and getting away from everything. The band really is my escape from the world. Same goes with concerts. Concerts are the only place that I really feel safe anymore. Doesn't help that I had to miss one I wanted to go to on Monday. Load of crap. I think that show would have helped me feel a little better. It did in Dec when I saw them. I think this one was/is needed more than that show was. It is just a get away, and it takes the edge off. What if my job is within the music industry, and that I am just wasting my time doing what I am doing. Whether it is a promoter, manager or whatever. Fuck, not even in a band, but just around all of it. I have gotten the Bad Religion treatment and people telling me, "don't break up, and you'll go far." Heard it multiple times.
I try to act like I know what I want to do. In all reality I am just a directionless kid. There aren't that many there to help, basically going it alone. Biggest fear is that I am on my way to having that shitty job for life. I think I just need to clear my head, and get things straightened out. I have no idea how to do that though, I need to stop getting pressure from people. Just let me do what I want for a while, let me see where that will take me. Cause at this rate I'm fearful that I will drag people down with me, and that is teh last thing I want to do.
Make it stop, let this end....
