It gets tough saying that you are okay, when you are clearly not. When your insides are tearing you apart, but you don't want to speak about it in the least bit. When you just want to crawl in a hole from the rest of society and let your self rot for a while and pray that somehow that it will all be over soon, and the gray skies will give way to more blue. It doesn't work that way, and for the first time in a while I feel really depressed.
What started out as a good day, seemingly average, but a little on the side of good. The right songs were on the radio, and I had a very positive feeling. What has been a tumultuous week for me just didn't seem to get any better with this doctors appointment. I know what I have been facing for the last year, and I am very well aware of the consequences of this disorder. What this physicians assistant said to me today just struck a nerve, and it just sent my day spiraling down from there. I heard this all last year and have put a conscious block on it, but have been very aware of it's existence.
With MS there is chance that some point in my life I could loose the ability to walk, I rarely mention this when I talk about it because, well, I'm not anywhere near there. It's a vanilla version as I was told last year. This PA started hounding me on all these horrifying possibilities that I already knew about, but her tone was so malice. It just plunged me into a state of depression. I have honestly been on the verge of tears at points today because of this. It almost like I was getting wrenches thrown into some of my dreams. I honestly couldn't take it. I don't need to be put on trial for a simple doctors appointment. The ridicule for me not being overly strict with my meds, I'm honestly scared shitless of my medication. I have had two bad reactions to it, and it has left me fearful as hell from it. I take it at least 4 times a week. I'm tired of the site reactions, I'm tired of having to stick my self with a needle every night. The repetition has gotten old, and I am tired of it. The other medication is a once a month, but could cause flu like symptoms, not like the vomiting, but the aches and pains, and the fever that a flu would present. I'm starting to really dislike modern medicine for this reason.
I've felt the pressure from school, and now this. I have felt on the verge of breaking all day today. This has just been the point of this rubberband snapping. Of course, there is always something interesting that tends to happen to me when I start feeling in this sorrow-esque way.
Coming back from the office, I got stuck at the light on McDowell to get on the 51, and I had the radio on. I needed to hear one band, and one band at that moment, and that would be Rise Against. I thought, and repeated aloud "Rise Against," sure enough, what came on, "The Good Left Undone," by them. It was a little bit of relief. Then the way home from Uncle Sam's I was really down on this again whole doctors office episode and the radio was coming back from commercial, and again I thought "Rise Against, Rise Against, Rise Against." This time the song was even more fitting for my drab mood. "Audience of One" started playing and I felt a tear slowly seep out of my eye, I was so happy to hear this song. It was the perfect song for how I was feeling, and was my medication that for the moment has righted the ship. I have stated before, this band has changed me for the best. It made me more aware of my surroundings and the hole I was in, and made me think more and be relevant.
For now I feel a little better, not much. I just want some clarity, and some sense of knowing. The unknown for this is way too much for me. Will I be upright in 15 years, 20... Five.. Or for as long as I live.I don't know and it is disturbing that I don't. I have dreams and ambitions of being a firefighter for my life long career, I'm not going to start chasing that yet because of my current location, where they have a freeze on hiring.
If you want honesty, I'll give it to you. I'm not so sure about the guy next to me, but what I have to say is real, and not just for show.-SS
No comments:
Post a Comment